leujin: (Brock1 (I'd kick his ass))
I'm worried about my mother and my sister.

At the same time, I'm tired of them putting me in the middle of it.

To preface, my sister is 13, so she and my mother are having all the regular problems that people in this situation find themselves in. However, this is compounded by the fact that my mother isn't letting herself be sad about Adrian dying, and she's never around when my sister needs her. Instead of dealing with the problem at hand, my mom chooses to instead ignore my sister. When she's not ignoring her, she's putting my sister on a pedastal and holding her up to these impossible standards and "why can't you be more like your brother?" She wants a best friend, which is what she had in Adrian--a wholy unusual relationship in and of itself--but what Chloe needs is a mother.

Chloe is acting out. She's apparently been stealing the car (or helping her friends steal it, I'm not clear because my mother isn't clear) and my mom found a used condom in the toilet, but rather than saying something about it, she chooses to ignore it. I don't know what kind of lazy ass parenting that is, but I certainly don't condone either sides of this. My sister needs to straighten up and fly right and my mom needs to be there to enforce this.

Another part of the problem is that my mom has a boyfriend. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but the fact that she has to have two jobs AND has a 13-year-old daughter at home means she doesn't really have time for that. Apparently she's down to only seeing him twice a night, but rather than going OUT with him she needs to stay IN with him.

This is just stressing me out, because I don't want to choose sides here, but they're basically forcing me to by pulling me into it, and I'm honestly skewing in favor of my sister. Not because I approve of her actions, but because she's so clearly crying out for attention and not getting it because my mom is too involved in her own shit to notice there's a problem. I've tried explaining to my mom that she needs to be around more and I've tried explaining to Chloe that she needs to cut Mom some slack, but both of them just say "Yeah, I guess..." and do nothing about it. They're both frustratingly passive-aggressive. When my mom found out that Liz and I were having sex pre-maritally do you know what she did? Waited until I went to college before sending me a lengthy e-mail expressing her disappointment. That doesn't discourage me, it just makes me think she doesn't care enough to enforce the rules!

leujin: (Default)
New year.

That's about all I have to say on the subject.

We're back in OKC. The drive was uneventful, as always, save for the THICK AS SNOT FOG that we hit about a half hour from home. I also noticed that somehow the drive from LA to OKC seems to go by a lot faster than the other way around. Maybe it has to do with the elated feeling of being free from your past. Or maybe I'm being overly existential about it.

Also, before we left yesterday, we finally found Adrian's headstone. We spent a solid hour looking for it before my mom called my cousin, who had been to it in the snow before, to come help us, and it took her all of 5 seconds to find it. We were all annoyed at her. I took a picture of it, below the jump for anybody who wants to see it. It's fairly uninteresting. I mean, it's a tombstone. A picture of Adrian, too, because I felt like it.

A picture is worth some words, apparently )

Also, we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was kinda slow to start. Basically the first 45 minutes or so is just "hey look, he looks old, but he's really only 10! Do you get it yet? He's aging backwards. See? See? He's old, but not really." After it picked up it was a pretty good flick. Like any story worth telling, it's about a girl (that's a blatantly ripped off quote from something, if anybody can remember where I stole it from, I'd be greatful). Funny, touching, blah blah. David Fincher is a pretty cool cat.

Thus ended this post.
leujin: (Default)
Why didn't anybody tell me that nobody plows the graveyard here?

Yeah, we went to try and find Adrian's tombstone, but it so wasn't happening. Stupid snow. I kicked it. It made me feel a little better.
leujin: (Default)
So, yeah. We're in Los Alamos. We came down for Christmas. We had our Christmas today. T'was handy.

Teh Lootz:

Sonic giftcard, IOU for Rock Band (my mom has like, no money), Ferris Bueller, and all the obligatory random stocking stuff from my mom, including an Indiana Jones action figure from Raiders. And from Liz, Nintendo Monopoly, Banana no slip pads for the shower, bacon bandaids, and, coolest gift ever, a first edition copy of Fight Club PERSONALLY SIGNED BY PALAHNIUK. Seriously, Liz wins Christmas. Oh, yeah, and there was also a beard trimmer in my stocking from Liz. Which I have desperately needed since... puberty. My aunt also gave us a pair of binoculars (which may well be used) and a picture of Adrian playing chess with Forrest (my other brother, whom is older than I), wherein Adrian is making one of those signature Adrian faces. It's in an old frame. The picture is nice, but... I think my aunt doesn't really care any more. Whatevsky.

We got a telescope for my mom and Guitar Hero for my sis, Sceneit and a WWII facts book for my brother.

So it was an über materialistarific Christmas, as always. I've also gotten to see a large smattering of people, some of whom I haven't seen for, oh... 3 years, and some of whom were at the wedding, all of whom rock and stuff. Yeah.

I'm having insane brain atrophy or something, because I'm overstimulated and my family is kind of frustrating to be around, especially when my uncle drinks himself stupid.

We're going to Adrian's grave tomorrow, I think. I haven't actually seen the tombstone. I've heard about it. I think we're taking my sister with us. It's going to be weird. We were planning on going yesterday, but for some reason didn't. I think it was that everyone wanted to hang out with us yesterday.

So, like I said, my brain is sort of mush right now, so I'm going to post this while it's still marginally coherent.
leujin: (Dr. Girlfriend (wtf?))
Crazy weather today. It was relatively sunny all day. Suddenly around 3 pm, it rained REALLY hard for literally 5 seconds, stopped for about 30, and rained really hard for 5 seconds again. It was surreal.

Fringe weather from the hurricane? Probably.

All my books this month aren't Jesus books. I'm genuinely excited about this. Have I mentioned lately how tired I get of designing covers for books with exactly the same premise? I guess that comes with the territory of working at a Christian company.

Anyway, one book I have is called "The Dark Side of Medicine." Tell me I'm not the only one who immediately thought "Darth Vader popping pills."

I wish Liz and my schedules weren't so crappy ships-passing-in-the-night-y. I get home right as she's leaving for work, and by the time she gets home I'm asleep. Then we have about an hour in the morning to interact. Basically we have the weekends together.

It sucks being poor.

We got a package with some of Adrian's shirts about a week ago. One of them I distinctly remember him wearing a lot. It made me hella sad.

This has been yet another disjointed journey though my daily thoughts.
leujin: (Dr. Girlfriend (wtf?))

What do you think?
leujin: (Super strength)
The funeral was on Friday.

I don't know what to say about it other than it sucked that I even had to be there. Adrian's face didn't look right. He always had a big goofy grin and he just looked... stoic. Not himself.

I hated being in that church. I hated having to talk about Adrian knowing I would never get to see those wacky things he did and that I would never be able to play with him again. Or his mischievous grin. Or that look he had when you were playing a game with him and he knew you were doing something stupid but he didn't want to say something about it. I hated seeing people there that I hadn't seen in forever and knowing that they were just there to mourn him. It was nice to see them, but... ghgh... I can't put it into words.

We went through all his stuff yesterday. My mom wanted each of us to take something to remind us of him, but... I just felt horrible doing it. I ended up taking a pokémon figure, because I always thought of him as the kid who played pokémon. I just kept thinking "this is HIS stuff, we have no right to be rifling through it and picking out things we want." I kept expecting him to burst in and say "Hey, jerks! Stop going through my stuff!"

But he didn't.

Death sucks insurmountably.

We're back in OKC now. Ready to get back to life. Or something like it.
leujin: (Super strength)
Adrian's cancer is back.

I... I'm just...

I just can't even emote right now.

My mom called, and told me, and she cried. I held it together until I had to tell Liz.

This sucks, and it's unfair, and I really want somebody to be mad at, but the only thing coming to mind right now is God, and that's neither constructive nor is it fair to Him.

So I guess I'll just be mad at the doctors for not curing Adrian, despite the fact that the survival rate for this cancer is like... .001%.

wtf, everything.

July 2011



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