I'm going to get sentamental here for a moment

[leujin]

Liz was talking about how she was reading through my old entries earlier, primarily on FOD, and it got me wanting to read through them, too. Along the way I came across many memories that I had long since forgotten, and some which I wish I had never gone through. I realized how depressed I was at so many points that I just couldn't handle anything any more. Through that I watched as my friends supported me and told me how much they care and how much I'd changed their lives. That made me feel so good reading that. Seeing again that I really can have a positive impact on people I've never even met before. I watched my friendships build up, and some of them crumble beneath my feet. I watched two people who I thought could never be torn apart do exactly that. They drifted further and further apart, and that hurt me to watch because I knew how much they cared about eachother. One thing I wanted to do while reading those was figure out how two people, zin and sharie, first came to know me. I had written an entry about society and how fucked up it can be, and zin left a comment saying I sounded smart for an 18 year old (though I was only 17 at the time). Shortly after, I wrote an entry of things I wanted to see in a girl, and sharie commented, saying it sounded a lot like her. The friendships between those two grew, and at some point they began to diminish... I still see them as my friends, weather they agree with me or not. It's so very strange to watch your own life unfold as though you were watching it from another person's point of view. That's really what a journal is for, as I see it. So that you can understand how you've affected other people, by watching it through their eyes.

Comments

[grr-argh.livejournal.com]

Yeah... nostalgia is a funny thing... Although it's kind of funny that I get nostalgic and go through YOUR journal entries because mine are too painful for me... Maybe if I liked myself a little more I'd be able to read them... And I can't go WAY back into the past because every word I read is replaced with "stupid" "naive" or "idealistic fool" in my head... Alas. But I don't want to ever forget what I've had with you... it's all been so wonderful, every bit of it. You mean the world to me and I hope that these memories are still here years from now for me to go back to... and I'll be going back to nows entries and then I'll look in the other room at you sitting on the couch intensely concentrating on something you're doodling in your sketchpad... and I'll wonder how the heck I got through all of this, and then I'll smile and know that the important thing is that I DID get through it all. I love you Nathan, I'll never have to go back in time to know that much.

[leujin.livejournal.com]

aww... you make me grin like a big stupid idiot... I love you too, dear. I know for a fact, just by looking at you and me and the way you care about me the way we do that we will get to look back at all these memories, and we'll get to look back at them together.